Now what, God?!?

storm destroying a houseTonight I’m in Portland, Oregon, looking out the window at the sky as the sun disappears behind the horizon, and darkness creeps up from the west into the bowl of the sky overhead.

I stand here, remembering the emotional anguish, confusion, and desperation for normalcy I was living in as the structure of family was in the process of demolition from a storm that destroyed my home’s very foundations.

May 1987  One week after the life I knew ended.

I am standing in the master bedroom.  My husband …(My mind reminds me I must quit calling him that. I am still legally married, but the marriage has ended.  It’s time to face up to reality)… okay.. my former husband left for the states three days ago at the request of our mission board.
It is night. My youngest daughter is asleep in her bedroom down the hall, but the rest of the house is empty of life.  My body and mind are weary.

The view of the room from where I am standing causes overwhelming anguish.
There is the old king size bed: that foam mattress was packed onto the ship when we moved to Brazil 20 plus years earlier, and it’s accompanied us in each move since. It’s been on such a wide variety of bed frames; one apartment we lived in we couldn’t get the bed frame up the narrow stairway, so just the mattress went up and was on the floor without a frame. (I smile as I remember how I had to get on my knees to make that bed on the floor.)

On each side of the bed are wicker shelves filled with books and papers and the night lamps for reading in bed – which I love to do!  There is a comfortable chair in the corner, beside the Dutch door to the walkway outside. (Dutch door – another word to google?)

Some old rugs scattered on the rustic tile floor.  A room that is/was a hideaway for me.  Now, it is mocking me with memories.

I look at the pile of objects my former husband left on his shelves.  I’d better start sorting and boxing his things. I have to start somewhere. .. but I think I’ll listen to some sermons from the states while I work. That will help keep my mind from going in these endless circles, like it’s in a trap, trying to escape.

I found the tapes, popped one into the tape player, and started sorting.

Listening to Pr. Ted Roberts teaching about Moses, my hands and mind were busy, and I was accomplishing something. I filled a couple of small boxes with articles for my “former”husband. But, Lord, I don’t want him to be that: I want my home and my life!
 I was weary; there is still the closet to clean out.

I’ve got to listen more closely to the tape. My mind is starting to go in circles again. Unexpectedly, I hear the word “forgiveness” applied in a way I’d not thought of before. I stopped to listen; then, with tears streaming down my face,  I gropingly found the recorder and turned off the tape.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Weeping uncontrollably, I dropped to my knees on one of the old rugs beside the bed; put my head in my arms on top of that ancient king mattress covered with a quilt, and started crying out to God.

The sorting could wait.  I had more important work to do as I started down this road of forgiveness, learning lessons which would forever change my life.

Next post soon: HOW do I forgive – when I don’t want to???  And WHY SHOULD I?  What advantages  does it give to me?

Hi!  I’ll be continuing this story out of my life, posting 2 or 3 times a week.
Along with some detours.
My suggestion? Check the box below so you can receive these posts in your email. In that way, you’ll receive them automatically.  Easier for all of us.
Looking forward to meeting here again.  Some big Brazilian hugs, Voni P.


Voni's View

Life is interesting - and can be challenging. Voni shares with you her experiences

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